Back on February 14th, I published a blog entry on “Goal-Free Dating.” One of the points I made was to “Stop doing. Instead of signing up for 40 different online dating sites, going on 90 dates in 30 days, ending up broke & miserable – and still without a relationship, let it go. Go to events without the goal of meeting your spouse. Rather go there to have a good time and to meet new people.”
Ok, I’m guilty. In the past, I ignored my own advice and joined several online dating sites. Although I met some wonderful women – several of whom are still good friends – I never ended up in a long-term relationship. The last time I was on a dating site was over a year ago.
Today I was going through some archived emails and found emails from 29 women with whom I corresponded through a dating site. Each of these emails had their profile name, enabling me to check to see if they were still active on the site. It has been over a year, so I expected the number to be quite low. I assumed people would either be in a relationship after all of this time, or they would have given up and tried something other than the dating site. I was surprised. 19 women – 66% — still had active profiles on the site!
I have my theories for why this might be true. 1) Online dating creates the opposite of a scarcity mentality. It creates an over-abundance mentality. Because you have so many people to choose from, you begin to idealize your potential mate, leading to constant dissatisfaction. Hey, if this date isn’t perfect, then maybe the next one will be. 2) People on the online dating sites are not really ready for a relationship, even though they think they are. Rather they enjoy the chase, the attention, or the early stages of the relationship. 3) Quite simply, they have not yet met the right person. Had they not been on online, maybe they would have been “playing more” and found someone elsewhere. Maybe not. 4) Or maybe the “goal” of being in an “idealized” relationship – and trying hard to achieve the goal – is exactly what stops us from being successful.
What are your thoughts/theories on this?