I was talking to a Thai friend of mine recently, someone who knows that I work a lot. She also knows that I love what I do.
She said I am, “Thang kub ngaan.” This literally means “marry with work/job.”
We sometimes jokingly say that we are married to our job, but we tend to mean it in a negative way. But in Thailand, this expression is used in a loving way, the same way we would refer to being married to a spouse. When they say you are married to your work, they mean that you are in love with what you do.
Why don’t we have an expression like that here? Maybe because it is culturally not acceptable to love what you do. If you are enjoying your work too much, you are probably not working hard enough. Or perhaps it is viewed as unattainable. We have succumbed to the fact that work is just that, and play is what we get to do on the weekends.
Western expressions here are more akin to diseases. For example, a “workaholic” is someone who works long hours to satisfy a deep-seated need to prove oneself or become wealthy and successful.
Even the word “work” is defined as “exerting oneself by doing mental or physical work for a purpose or out of necessity.”
With that as the definition, who would want to be married to their work? But is there a way to love your job?
First, figure out what you love. It is important to note that this is very different than what you are good at. Our society places more emphasis on overall skills than on natural skills and passion. We take strengths-based tests to determine our aptitude. But it is much more difficult for us to determine what comes naturally and what gives us energy.
We often find ourselves in positions where we are not utilizing our natural strengths but rather are forced to learn new skills. Robert Biswas-Diener, from the Centre of Applied Positive Psychology (CAPP) in England, gave me this example:
“I once coached a woman who was exceptionally creative. She had a head for sales and was a whiz at putting together training sessions to teach young sales associates how to perform better. She was so good, in fact, that she was quickly promoted to a management position. The problem was she did not shine at management the way she had excelled at training. As a result, she had to learn all sorts of new behaviors—confrontation, assertiveness, administration, and detail-orientation—that would help her succeed in the new job. My client was bright, and she quickly learned these new behaviors and even did them well. There was only one problem: at the end of the day, she felt deflated instead of energized.”
Learned behaviors are acquired skills that a person can perform well but that do not come naturally; therefore, extra energy and effort are required, leaving the person feeling flat. People often acquire these new behaviors because their roles or circumstances have changed. Although learned behaviors are frequently necessary for good performance, using them too much can lead to dissatisfaction and burnout.
What should you do about your own learned behaviors? Robert recommends “moderating” them. You will probably need to use your learned behaviors occasionally but try to limit the amount of time you spend on these draining behaviors. Being aware of those activities that rob us of our energy is a good start. But with everything to accomplish each day, this is easier said than done. Right? Not necessarily.
One of the most important lessons I learned many years ago was that balance is a myth. Balance implies two opposites trying to exist in harmony, just like two people on opposite ends of a seesaw.
It is very difficult; one is up when the other is down.
We have been taught that “work hard, play hard” is one way to gain balance. Sacrifice part of the day so that you can have pleasure in other parts of the day.
From my perspective, this is too much sacrifice.
Instead, strive for integration.
Bring together all of the things you love so that you are only doing what you love. Yes, you may be working hard, but it never really feels like work.
And find ways of integrating every aspect of your life.
If you have a partner who does not want to work with you, find ways of doing other things together: hobbies, interests, or chores. If your partner likes to golf, take golf lessons. If your partner does all of the cooking, take cooking classes. Finding things you enjoy doing together is the best way to create more time to be together and give you time for yourself and your individual pursuits.
As a leader of an organization, how can you apply this concept and help people tap into their passions? Here’s one simple idea: During the annual review process, instead of only asking, “What do you want to accomplish at work next year?” also ask, “What do you want to accomplish in your life next year?” This helps move the conversation towards passions. Look for ways of integrating those passions into the employee’s job, regardless of how minimal. As a result, you will inevitably see an increase in productivity as people’s work is aligned with their interests.
Do you “work to live” or “live to work”? It’s really your choice. But it would be my recommendation to take a page from a wise Eastern saying: Thang kub ngaan” and marry your job.
[Tomorrow, I will post part 2 of this article here on my blog. Part 2 will not appear on the American Express site]